FIRST.SOL
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WARNING: This is the solution to "My First Stupid Game" by Dan
McPherson <mcphersond@vtls.com>.  The game is simple-minded enough
as it is without having the solution sitting in front of you, so
printing this file out and then playing the game straight through
according to these instructions is most likely not going to be as much
fun as figuring it out on your own.  This file is here for two
reasons: 1) If you get stuck, you can come here to get unstuck.
(Although I have added built-in help to assist you with the two things
I feel might be the most difficult to figure out.)  2) Once you've
finished the game, you can check here to see if you've missed
anything, find out about alternate endings you may not have tried,
etc.

Okay, here's the walkthrough:

Basically, you have to piss, and the object of the game is to find a
way to relieve yourself without having to soil yourself, pee on the
floor, or anger any large, ferocious animals in the process.  If you
don't relieve yourself soon enough, there's a random chance that your
bladder could explode on any turn.  If this happens, well, sorry.
There's no rhyme or reason to it, you just randomly explode.  You'll
have to start over.

The first room you are in is the Red Room.  Things you can examine:
the floor, the guitar picks on the floor, the door on the south wall,
a turkey sandwhich, the posters on the wall.  The posters can be
examined either as a group ("EXAMINE POSTERS") or individually
("EXAMINE POSTER", after which the program asks you to specify which
one).  Also try smelling everything.

Get the turkey sandwich.  Eat it if you want, although I don't think I
would.  It doesn't matter whether you get the guitar picks or not.
Now go south into the Purple Room.  Oops, open the door and then go
south.  There's a toilet here!  Ah, relief at last!  Or maybe not.
Examine the toilet -- some idiot has put a lock on it.  Try pissing in
it anyway.  No good?  Well, then you'll have to find the key.

Go north back into the Red Room and then west into the Blue Room.
Everything in the room is blue.  Try "LOOK AT THINGS."  Exciting, huh?
Ignore that flashlight, you won't need it.  There's a blue crayon,
which you can pick up and then use to write on things.  As a matter of
fact, someone has already used the crayon to write some graffiti on
the walls.  Read the graffiti, and it will give you a cryptic clue
about what to do next.

Sammy Hagar?  If you don't listen to Van Halen and/or didn't bother
looking at the posters in the Red Room, this clue probably does you no
good.  I thought about using the Beatles ("Ringo has the key") in
order to identify with older players, but, well, I didn't.  If this
clue does you no good and you wander around aimlessly for 15 or so
turns without figuring out what to do next, a ringing telephone will
appear.  Answer it, and it will tell you exactly what to do.  Namely:
Go back into the Red Room and type "GET POSTER", followed by "SAMMY
HAGAR" (to specify which poster). [Hint: you can also use "GET HAGAR",
or "GET SAMMY", but none of "GET SAMMY HAGAR", "GET HAGAR POSTER", or
"GET SAMMY HAGAR POSTER" will work.  This is not because I'm an
asshole.  I just can't get the AGT compiler to accept multiple
adjectives.]  At any rate, removing the poster uncovers a hole in the
wall. 

Examine the hole.  Foreboding, isn't it?  Ah, what the hell, it's just
a game.  Go east and enter the dingy hallway.  Go north, and then
north again.  Now you should be in the Gross Room.  The key to the
toilet is in this room.  Type "GET KEY."  Whoops, I lied!  You do need
the flashlight.  Go back and get it, and then come back here.  Turn on
the flashlight and then take a look around.

Holy shit, there's a ferocious bear in here!  Why didn't I tell about
that earlier?  Well, you have a couple of options now.  You can run
back to the south, which won't work because the bear's blocking the
exit, or you can sit around twiddling your thumbs until the bear
pounces on you and eats you alive (this part is really cool -- you
should try it at least once), or you can piss on the bear.  Pissing on
the bear causes him to dissolve just like the wicked witch in the
Wizard of Oz, and then you can get the key and continue on with the
game.  I'm lying again; if you piss on the bear he'll tear you to
shreds, but it's cool and funny so you should definately do it.
Anyway, at some point you'll have gotten killed in every way possible
and you'll want to actually finish the game.  When you get to that
point, feed the turkey sandwich to the bear, with either "GIVE
SANDWICH TO BEAR", or "FEED SANDWICH TO BEAR", or just "DROP
SANDWICH".  (I hope you didn't eat the sandwich back around turn
number 2.)  After this, the ferocious bear becomes a complacent, happy
bear, and won't care what you do as long as you don't piss on him or
try to attack him or something.  Oh, yeah!  I forgot to have you
attack him before.  Try it now.  Attack the bear with that stupid
crayon.  It's a good idea, really.

All right, back to the game.  Look at the key.  Gross, huh?  Well,
when you've really gotta go, you have to put up with some less than
pristine accommodations, so pick up the key.  Take time to look around
the room.  Be sure to check out the bones and the walls, and read the
message on the wall.

Oh, that's right, you still need to piss, and you have the key now.
Go back to the Purple Room and unlock the toilet.  No time to bother
with that picture, just go ahead and piss.  Feel better now?  Good.

Okay now let's have a look at that picture of Barney the dinosaur in
the toilet.  Reach in and pick it up.  Remember the message on the
Gross Room wall?  That's right, tear up that nasty picture and get
your 2 points back.  [Hint: if you'd picked up the picture before you
pissed on it, you would have only lost one point, for a net gain of a
point.  Of course, your bladder might have exploded while you where
doing it -- I was just trying to help you out.]

Well, now that you've relieved yourself, there's not much else left to
do.  Wander around for a while, smell things, write on the walls with
the crayon.  You might want to wander back up to the Gross Room and
talk to the bear for a while, now that both of you are in a better
mood.

After the bear reminds you of your breach of etiquette, go back and
flush the toilet.  The game is now over.  If you did everything I
said, and if you picked up the Barney poster before pissing on it and
then ripped it up, you should have the maximum score of 5 points.

There's only one thing left to try, and that's to go back and piss in
your pants at some point during the game.  This also ends the game,
but is less violent than being killed by the bear.  Also, if your
bladder never exploded you might want to restart the game and then
just wander around for a while without pissing until that happens.
I wouldn't want you to miss that experience.

I think that's about it.  Oh, except that if you type "PISS ON WALLS",
or "SHIT", the game has an amusing comeback.

If you have any comments, flames, or suggestions, please write to:
   mcphersond@vtls.com

Thanks for playing my stupid game.


